u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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