it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
