dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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