Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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