I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
