What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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