You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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