...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
