when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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