I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
