Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
me + whiskey = a bad person
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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