i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
