I wish I could teleport
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
