He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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