Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
