haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
