we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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