just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
