I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
