Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
