it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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