What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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