I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
