Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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