I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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