Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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