mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
