you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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