I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I can feel your judgement through the phone
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
