My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
