my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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