can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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