and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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