Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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