the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
