did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
