I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
