Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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