I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
