Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
