bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
