ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
