I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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