I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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