I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
