Your tits are I can't wait for
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
