Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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