His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
