I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
