So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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