all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
