I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She bit a glass in half.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
